Christmakkah

Well Black Friday has come and gone, but instead of going shopping at midnight and dodging psychos with pepper spray or getting trampled by a crowd to buy some $3 socks, I chose to sleep in and decorate my Christmas tree.

Let's just say, that when people say less is more - they are lying. More is always better. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they say “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” but until I personally experience a large sum of money that could justify such a bold declaration, I can’t concur with that statement. 

I do believe that more is always better when it comes to things that sparkle and are completely over the top.  So every year, I take this concept out on my Christmas tree.  After hours of decorating, I was covered in enough glitter to cover the third shift at Platinum Plus – but at least my tree was done!

Now, you may note that there is a cat sleeping by this tree.  Cute isn’t it?  Freaking precious.  However, this adorable little animal may be the reason I convert to Judaism.

I wonder if there is a Hebrew version of Rosetta Stone?  Because you can’t climb a menorah like a 9 foot tree. 

Luckily, the tree is still standing and so is he - for the time being.

What Are You Thankful For?

Well today is the infamous day where people gorge themselves on food and alcohol and try to nap it off by say 10 p.m. or so, so they can go out and shop like a mad person to get some mediocre deals. Well, the people who are shopping for massive electronics and techy gadgets can get some pretty good deals, but the people like me who simply want some winter fashions and a designer handbag usually don't fair so well to justify going out at all hours of the day or night to look for these items - we usually wait for cyber Monday.

Anyways, in addition to your attempt to be on the next season of the Biggest Loser and/or Intervention, you should have also given thanks in between your mouthfuls of turkey and washing them down with gallons of wine or liquor.  So in no particular order, here are the things I am thankful for:

• My family.  Not only do they tolerate me being me, but they also tolerate my love of my cat.  Yes, I own the most expensive "free" cat ever (his name is Albie - and that's a whole other post in itself) but they embrace my future as a cat lady and thoroughly enjoyed this lovely tribute to the feline species that I played for them before dinner tonight.   WARNING:  As cute as kittens can be, this video is extremely explicit, like majorly, and quite frankly that’s what makes it so ridiculous (and so true at the same time) – but just telling you now so you can't say I didn't warn you later when your kids are singing random verses of this song through your house. 

• Good Hair Days.  Like today, for instance, today was a good hair day – probably because the humidity was finally gone. Yes, this is superficial I know; however, if anyone knows good hair days it is my Grandmother.  Come hell or high water, she is at the “beauty parlor” every Friday getting her hair done.  She has been doing it since the day I met her and continues to make her weekly appointment to this day – she has had surgery on a Wednesday and gotten her hair done on a Friday, and she has endured a drive through wintry weather just to make sure she gets her hair done before the “dangerous stuff makes its way in.” Beauty is pain people, so when you have a good hair day stop and take note – and appreciate it! 
• My FABULOUS Friends.  These people have put up with me for years and must find me entertaining or something, because they keep me around.  The best part is, we can talk every day or once every two months – and still pick up where we left off.  Not sure if this is actually good or not, because that probably means our lives are like pathetic soap operas.  Nonetheless, it works! 
• Online Shopping.  Come on now, you didn’t think I would let this list be overly nice (it has to be 50/50 realistic/superficial) Let’s face it, Columbia has the worst shopping ever for people who don’t have hundreds of dollars to spend on a top but don’t want to spend tens of dollars on a top from some cheap store.  It’s called South Park people, and unfortunately, I can’t just snap my fingers and be there, so now I rely on online shopping.  It has probably been close to two years since I have been to horrible Harbison and like a recovering alcoholic, I am so proud of that, and wish I had a commemorative chip for every 6 month mile-marker I pass. Online shopping is brilliant for many reasons:  usually free shipping is involved, if they don’t have a physical storefront in this heinous state, then you don’t pay sales tax, and to top it off, there are lovely websites that give you coupon codes and on the last 5-6 purchases I have made, I have averaged about $30-$40 off each one.  Go Me!

Oh Goodness and here are a few honorable mentions:

• Target - No major explanation needed.  You are great.  You make me whole and take about 35% of my monthly income.  Yet, I still love you.
• Today Show - Once again, no explanation needed.  I heart you Matt, Ann and Al.  I’m not 100% on Natalie, but she’s growing on me.  But I can say with 100% certainty that I definitely pass on Savannah. I’d rather watch Jenna Bush do a segment – and that says a lot.  (A-monotone-LOT.)  
• Facebook - You are a daily reminder that people uglier than me are getting engaged.  Thank you for that.  You keep it real.

Occupy Fabulous

The Occupy crowd is sooo grounded once they are caught staying out past their curfew.  Oh wait, they've been past curfew ever since it was implemented last week.

Obviously, giving them a curfew for protesting potentially infringes on some Constitutional rights.  The people who thought they would oblige and promptly leave the grounds each day, have clearly been occupying La La land.

Regardless of the legality, you just can't beat the shear entertainment value of this movement.  I don't mean entertaining as in they are easy to make fun of, or that you can guarantee something they did during the week is going to end up on SNL. 

I mean entertainment as in someone in the hierarchy of this movement has had some formal training - in dance!  That's right someone high up has been in a dance competition or two prior to fighting corporate greed.  Case and Point:  They have hand signals.  And these aren't normal hand signals.  These hand signals that appear to be the early stages of jazz hands!

Well that seems perfectly harmless!  And fabulous.  Why is everyone being so mean to them?

Just to clarify, "Jazz Hands" are commonly defined as:  A dance move, characterized by middle aged flamboyant men yelling at you in sequence or accompanied by upbeat show music. To execute this move, you must extend all muscles of the hand until your hand is red, shaking and it hurts. Jazz hands are highly annoying, but effective to impress judges at dance competition.

 

Makes me wonder if this guy is a founding member of the movement:



As previously stated, jazz hands are highly annoying, but effective to impress judges in dance competition.  With that said, if they want to effectively impress public officials, they need to step up the hand signals to full- fledged choreography. 

The drumming and the chanting is getting old, and let's face it people, you are on to something with the dream hands, jazz hands, I mean hand signals - whatever you want to call them - they're all the same thing.

Keep up the good work, hopefully when you are done occupying Columbia, you can go occupy the dance floor, maybe even Broadway, with your stellar moves.

Beauty School Drop Out

Beauty School drop out, there is still hope for you!  Just come to South Carolina...

The director of South Carolina's LLR agency says a state investigation earlier this year found a worker was selling cosmetology licenses illegally. 

Thank goodness!  This completely explains the botched haircuts, bad dye jobs and dismantled weaves I have seen over the past few weeks. 

According to the agency head, "The licenses were provided to individuals that have not met the statutory requirements for the licenses and allowed people who were not otherwise qualified to work in South Carolina." Basically, they failed to complete the following tasks:

• Take and pass a written and practical exam
• Be at least 16 years old
• Have at least a 10th grade education or equivalency
• Successfully complete 1,500 hours in a cosmetology school approved by the Board or be licensed as a registered master hair care specialist for a period of five years
• Submit an application
• Pay the prescribed fee

But this scandal gets even better because the licenses can be used to bring in illegal immigrants for human trafficking. While that makes this story more serious newsworthy, I haven't seen Lisa Ling and a camera crew around town doing a documentary on the human slave trade. So until I see some high-end documentary team, the verdict is still out.

Now, I realize this is a huge scandal.  You are probably questioning everything about your own life right now.  I can only imagine the thoughts running through your head...

Is Paul Mitchell his real name? 

Is Ken Paves even a real person?

Is Oscar Blandi a sham? 

Does Frédéric Fekkai really deserve $20 a bottle for shampoo? 

And probably the toughest question one must ask themselves (this will take some soul searching, I know) is:  Am I really going to be able to get a great clip at Great Clips now? 

I probably could have answered that question for you prior to the breaking of this scandal, but that is beside the point.  However, just to be safe, I would probably cross state lines.

A Royal Tramp Stamp?

I always thought it was humorous that over the past few weeks, American media has found it necessary to keep us informed on which cocktail waitress Prince Harry was seeing.  Recently, he was linked with a cocktail waitress who just happened to have a full side body tattoo.  Classy.  It was floral.  Floral is classy right?   No?  Ok, that's fine too.

This girl was labeled a "Kate Middleton look alike."  While she was a cute girl, that's like comparing yachting through the Greek Isles to traveling from Cuba to Florida in an inner tube.

You can't compare a girl who walks around in a bikini for a living for a girl that actually puts on real clothes every day (fabulous clothes I might add.) 

I'd like to think this rule applies to all people - not just royalty. 

For instance, I met this couple at Fripp last year and they were just going on and on about the huge hat I had on, how I looked, my personality, told me they reminded me so much of their friend who ironically enough was named Jennifer too.  Finally, I was so intrigued as to my fabulous twin I asked what she did for a living. My amazing twin, that oh just "you remind us so much of her, it's crazy" was...drum roll please...A STRIPPER.

I was emotionally scared for at least three four hours after that. Actually, still kind of disturbed thinking about it now. 

Anyways, I just hate it for poor Kate that she's got to be compared to every random girl in the world, who just happens to have brown hair.  I mean, she scored the future King of England.  That takes work and sacrifice - like opting out of the full body tattoos and passing down the bikini cocktail waitress jobs...oooh soooo tough to do, I know. 

With all the photos of Harry's shenanigans surfacing, I got to thinking...what does the Queen think of that?  Does a tramp stamp, panama city license plate, whatever you want to refer to it as, exist in the Royal family? 

If female royalty wanted to just hop on the Rock of Love Bus with Brett Michaels for a season on VH1, would we recognize her?  Granted she doesn't pull out a fascinator to wear on a date and give herself away.

Fortunately, I stumbled upon something today that answered my question.  Surprisingly, a member of the Royal family that you might not suspect has recently dabbled in the body art pool. 

Apparently, Camilla is having henna tattoo regret.

Yeah, it was funny when you had one too many in Tanzania and told the natives "Ohh shhhuuurreee suuuggaar pieee, I've always wanted one."

Not so funny any more now is it? 

"I just can't get it off," she further lamented. "I have tried scrubbing and everything... nailbrushes, you name it. I just don't know what to do."

It's ok girl, I've heard stories of this happening to girls at Myrtle Beach all the time and sometimes they aren't as lucky to have opted for the henna.  You'll get through it.  

You Ain't Gotta Go Home...

Today, Occupy protesters were told they can only "occupy" the State House during daylight hours.  Well, how convenient South Carolina, kick them out right when you are about to put up the Christmas tree.  Now they have to leave before they can even enjoy the lights.  Spoil all the fun...

According to the Governor, between security and cleanup, the movement has cost the state $17,000, and would cost $70,000 by February.  And that probably doesn't even include the much needed clean up of getting some of those people to shower.

 

But I mean, how much is the state going to spend on a Christmas program this year?  I've seen pictures and from the looks of things, about 20% of those people play a musical instrument. (By the way, is that a wash board?  Seriously, where do you think you can find a wash board player so last minute?)  I'm sure 55% can sing decent and I can guess that 24% would love a clean change of clothes, doesn't matter if is an elf costume or not.  Add all that up, and what do you know, the 99% was just cast in the 2011 Governor’s Carolighting!!

So is it really worth the eviction notice?

Apparently, the grounds of the State House were starting to look more like a Gaston trailer park.  Now, I haven't driven by lately, but let’s not jump to conclusions.  Sometimes a couch on the porch can give a home character - and let's face it, after you climb all those stairs, you do get winded enough to want to sit down. Unfortunately, trash in the bushes and people sleeping on the ground, well, that's just uncalled for.  That kind of behavior needs to be saved for Finlay Park.  How dare you!

Now, I'll admit I don't really understand what all the "occupying" is about. Apparently, protesters want more and better jobs, equal distribution of income, bank reform, and less corporate influence on politics. Well, I want a pony, castle, tiara and a million dollars. Sure it all sounds great, but can it really happen? Is it really feasible for me to have a pony?  No.  (No, really I asked. The Homeowners Association denied me any rights to build a proper stable.)

I can’t talk all trash about the “occupy” crowd.  I mean instead of sitting at home enjoying Regis Philbin’s final week on the air, binge drinking with Hoda and Kathie Lee or waiting for the results of a Maury paternity test, they are spending their day doing something that they see as a good cause – fighting corporate greed.

It’s just hard for me to understand the rationale behind it.  I mean, I get corporate greed, believe me.  I sold my soul to Sallie Mae for a couple of pieces of paper with my name on it.  But it’s just part of life, how the economy works.  It’s called capitalism and for lack of better words, greed is good. 

With that said, the entire movement needs to be applauded for rejecting corporate greed.  The websites they have created and the twitter and facebook updates they are able to provide – it’s impressive. I just can’t imagine how they are doing all this without the use of technological devices created by greedy corporations.  It’s like they have magical powers or something. 

Oh and yes, I agree, lobbyists can be expensive. But spell check is free!

Once again,  I’m not here to judge. I commend them for even occupying Columbia, because I know many people (including myself) who on many occasions would prefer not to occupy this city.  So, I would like to extend the olive branch…if you ever choose a more global initiative, say Occupy Fiji, Occupy St. Tropez, or Occupy Turks & Caicos, call me!  We can work something out...

Penn Loves the Kids

Everyone knows that I am obsessed with NBC, well more specifically, the Today Show and NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.  Let's face it, if Matt Lauer isn't on the Today Show in the morning, it affects my whole day --and God forbid someone is filling in for Brian Williams that night.  Not good.  Oh, it's just not good.

Anyways, I love the fact that NBC works their hosts like children in a sweatshop. (I think that is why they actually hired Kathie Lee for the fourth hour, because she's allegedly had experience with that sort of thing.)  Not only do they send Matt Lauer around the world for a week and make him come in on Monday morning, but they just started making Brian Williams work a double shift on Mondays. He now hosts"Rock Center" on Monday nights, and that is very exciting for me. 

Unfortunately, Monday's "Rock Center" probably wasn't too exciting for Jerry Sandusky's attorney because if you heard that interview with Bob Costas, it was creepy. 

When asked if there was anything he had done wrong, Sandusky said, "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."  Really?  You shouldn't have?  You probably shouldn't even have been anywhere near the showers, because I'm fairly certain it is 99% impossible to drown in a shower.  In addition, it's a public shower so I hope they had on some sort of shoe, not only is that good for hygiene, it would have also made it virtually impossible to slip and fall.  Basically what I'm getting at is that I'm sure they would have been fine without adult supervision. 

As a coach, you should really know when you should just sit one out.

Sadly, this story isn't going away anytime soon, so I have some advice for my favorite NBC News family, please bring back your go-to-guy for child predators - the one and only Chris Hanson.  He will never measure up to Matt or Brian, but seriously, I think he'd be good for this.

I Believe the Children are the Future (Well, in Your Future..)

So my very best friend in the world is expecting!! That means by next spring, I will have a new title "Fun Aunt Jennifer." 

Now, she knows how grotesque I find the whole pregnancy thing and knows that I don't need to see any ultrasounds that have to have a caption reading "baby" and an arrow that points to a blob.  To me, that is just crazy, the equivalent of me putting up pictures of Heidi Klum and simply inserting a caption reading "me" and an arrow pointing to Heidi.  In my opinion, pictures (unless they are by Picasso) should clearly represent the subject.

Like I have always said, it's not like once one of your friends has a kid, you get jealous and immediately think you need the same.  It's not a cute pair of shoes.  It's something that gave you stretch marks, will eventually talk back -- and have you people seen Rosie Pope's show on Bravo? Projectile vomit and projectile poop, people! The only projectiles I prefer to see in life are things being thrown across the room on an episode of Jersey Shore.

Fortunately, this kid is in for a fabulous closet, toy room and pretty much life in general and I cannot wait to meet him or her.  That way, I can better assess what color pallet of baby clothes and blankets will best go with his/her skin tone. 

But it's not all about clothes and toys. Wait, what? Those things have always made me happy, and still do. Ok, perhaps I shouldn't go as far as downplaying the clothes and toys. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my Barbie dreamhouse, power wheels or Laura Ashley dresses.

However, I do know it is my job to teach baby DuBose some important lessons - and I know just where to start...

Thanks to the world wide web, I have found the perfect way to teach a baby how to enjoy themselves responsibly (kids learn from their peers right?) 

Yeah, so a Blog...

I never in a million years thought I would be 'blogging."   I didn't even keep a diary when I was little, because let's face it, even at the ripe old age of 7 or whatever year that was I got a Lisa Frank kitten diary as a birthday gift, I knew right then and there that any words written down in that book, would likely embarrass me in years to come.  So I used it as a drawing/note pad. 

Now, I'm pretty much over that "embarrassment" thing.  But I do know that half the stuff I say may be considered offensive, or at the very least be used against me in the court of law. (That's where CDR steps in...)

However on many occasions recently, several people have found my thoughts on life entertaining and have said, "You should start a blog."  

Now keep in mind, 80% of those opinions/thoughts came at the expense of other people or were beyond sarcastic. Because of that, my thoughts were always, "Umm, sure, I should definitely post this online…yes that would go over well."  You just have to know me in order to get my sort of humor, otherwise you’d probably think I was a heinous bitch, and I’m really not.  Well, most of the time.

So why now, why would I pass on the cheesy book that locked and opt for the World Wide Web?  Your guess is as good as mine. 

So here it goes…my blog.  And by "blog" I mean the reason I will never be able to run for public office.