Cheers to the New Year

2011 can be chalked up to the equivalent of that glass of cheap champagne people willingly drink when the clock strikes midnight.  I can look back and say some parts were good, but in the end it still gives me a headache and an immediate gag reflex.

Don't get me wrong, 2011 wasn't horrible.  It's not like I was standing on top of buildings talking about warlocks and tiger's blood, or had a multi-million dollar wedding for a marriage that lasted 72 days.  It wasn't like that at all, (thank goodness) some pretty good things did happen.

The Year in Review

I performed a Meow to Wow makeover,  Flip this Cat, whatever you want to call it,  by adopting this little guy, who I named Albie. Drastic improvements, if I do say so myself...

Before

After

I gained a fabulous new happy hour partner.  Our inaugural HH was a mere 7 hours long.  We found ourselves asking each other, why have we waited so long to do this?

I joined JWC which started Palmetto Place, an emergency children’s home, and I attend events called “Caring and Sharing.”  Before you keel over in disbelief or call me to see if I am on drugs, just let me explain.  Lofton told me about this group and while I had my doubts (I have a HUGE fear of commitment to extracurricular activities) I ended up meeting a great group of people and the “requirements” are manageable.  I will say that seeing the kids that are at this shelter, really makes you think about things.  No, not in the same way that I watch Intervention and think, Wow, thank God I’m not like that.  They actually will make you think, WOW, I am pathetic for even thinking that my life could be so bad, because despite their situation, their attitudes tend to be 100 times better than mine on a good day.

My little Lofe got engaged!  And I realize everyone says this and it never happens, but I WILL wear the dress again, as is, no alterations needed.  In fact, it’s going to be hard not to wear it till May.  I am however, getting really good use out of the jewelry until then.  I will say that she is by far the most PRACTICAL bride ever. Oh, I’ll never forget when she got her first lesson in being “practical” in college – gosh, that seems like forever ago.

I found out I am going to be an Aunt/Pageant Coach!  Nothing is more exciting than knowing you will be able to spoil a little girl, but she doesn’t have to live with you and you can turn her back over to her parents when she is bad.  Pretty good gig I would say. 

Most importantly, I acquired reinstated an “I don’t give a sh*t attitude.”  I say that in the context that I know that everything happens for a reason and I can’t change anything.  But I did realize that I’m wasting my life waiting to become some eccentric old lady so I can say whatever I want.  I should just do that now.  Life is too short to not enjoy it while you can.  I will, however,  save the EXTRA gaudy, mismatched jewelry and perhaps the tact in how I say things, for my 80’s – just to make those years more special.

Happy New Year’s Eve!
The holiday that is merely an excuse to binge drink, wear sequins, fake eyelashes that would put Paula Dean’s to shame, and prance around in sky high heels that jack you up to Jesus.  Wait, I think I just described RuPaul’s New Year’s Eve Festivities – but you get the point. 

So just have a cocktail (champagne if you so desire…ugh gag) and enjoy yourself!

Emoticons: A Face for Email

Well, we've all heard that saying, "[He/She] has a face for radio." 

With that said what makes emoticons or whatever you call those heinous little things so popular? 

I think they should be an insight into your life. If you use them constantly, then perhaps you are that person that has a face for email.

Let's face it, the reason you are talking to that person via email or text is because they don't want to see you in person.  If they did, you would have met for lunch, dinner, or in some cases, scheduled a Skype session.  But if that seems like a bit much, look at it this way, perhaps they would have placed, oh I don’t know, an actual phone call.  Which can be considered more personal, even though I do realize you technically can't see the person.

All I'm saying is simply because your communications are impersonal doesn't mean you need to try to make them more personal. It screams desperation, really weird, cheesy desperation.  There is a reason some communications are impersonal.  I promise. 

If you are one of those people who use these and probably think, "Gee golly wow, these are so awesome!" (Isn't that how people talk that do this kind of crap?)  I ask you to look back and see if perhaps you have lost contact with someone, or if there is anyone you haven’t heard from as often as you used to? 

I am almost 90% sure you can name at least one.  And, maybe that person is me.  If I'm not that person, then you can definitely up your number to two people.

I will admit I have used these, but only as a sick joke.  It may have been to patronize whoever I am talking to, or perhaps I just had an impulse to be a complete loser for a split second.  But I would like to assure the people reading this who believe emoticons are a reality and that they add “character” and “feeling” to a conversation that my actions were done out of sheer sarcasm.

Do me a favor, the next time you choose to make an extreme punctuation error in an attempt to get a laugh, just remember, it's not that cute, and it definitely isn't funny ;)

NASA's Pulling Out All the Stops To Stay In Tack

Some pretty scientific stories have been making headlines recently and some prolific statements have been made. Earth may have a twin.  I don’t understand light years, so I’m not sure if she is older or younger. 

First of all, I took self-paced astronomy in college and I will firmly state under oath that I don't really understand atoms; therefore, it is hard for me to believe in them.  Science really isn’t my thing.

Blame it on Star Wars (which I will proudly say I've never seen any of those movies) or the fact that Bill Nye the science guy is the first thing kids see as a visual of what a "real scientist" looks like.  Clearly, one would put in a significant amount of effort, early on in life, to not end up dressed up in goofy outfits to (a) either attend a convention or (b) do cheesy experiments in front of a camera for kids. 

However, without NASA and space exploration, we wouldn’t have smoke detectors, drills or dust busters. I would love to add Tang to that list, but I think that is just an urban legend.  Let’s not forget that they put a man on the moon. (And kudos for him for going by the way, because I seriously doubt they served mini bottles on the flight.)  

But let’s face it those innovations/appliances/events are somewhat vintage.  So in the words of Janet Jackson, "[NASA] What have you done for me lately?” 

Apparently nothing!!  Because your funding has been majorly cut in recent years.   

Maybe the federal government believed that urban legend that you invented Tang. If so, that probably means they believe Russia invented Crystal Light, making us inferior. 

Anyways, I just have to say congratulations guys!!

I will admit I thought you were a bunch of dry, science obsessed freaks, but someone in the group obviously has some street smarts or at least figured some embellished publicity would help, because I find it extremely odd that your funding for 2012 was not cut as much as anticipated… coincidentally after you claim you have discovered a new planet!  OMG who is ready to move to Kepler-22b?  (Thank you though, for staying true to your roots, and naming it something uber-nerdy) 

Seriously, how do you vote Pluto off the Solar System Island a few years back and then come up with this?  More importantly, how do you know this?  Wait; don’t try to explain it to me. I’m still trying to grasp atoms and the periodic table of the elements. 

We can’t find a cure for cancer but you can somehow magically travel light years, into space, and find new planets?  Whatever. 

Just say and/or do anything that will get the job done and get money for your program, because it is good stuff! Everyone loves space camp, the option of being an astronaut for Halloween and who can resist saying “Houston, we have a problem.”

So if you’ve got to claim that Luke Skywalker is giving out free light sabers there or that’s where ET phoned home to, go ahead.  Get that cash rolling in! 

You deserve to continue to research, explore and come up with things I will never understand, and I will love you for it, primarily for one reason.

Despite all of the fabulous things you have innovated and done over the years, there is one thing that you gave us that I truly appreciate...that crazy bitch that wore a diaper while she drove cross country to murder her lover, and for that NASA, I thank you. 

After Christmas Bliss

Even though I have been excessively dabbling in the holiday spirits to get into the holiday spirit, surprisingly,  there was not an intervention wrapped under the tree for me this year. 

I did not receive one piece of jewelry from the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman jewelry collection, nor did I receive a Lexus.  I'd say that Santa obviously doesn't have cable at the North Pole, because clearly I got nothing awesome that has been endorsed by cable television.   

All I have to say is, thank goodness the holidays are over!  I am so sick of hearing Christmas songs, the Lexus theme and hearing Jane Seymour say, “Keep your heart open and love will always find its way in.” 

For everyone who did receive some heinous piece of Kay jewelry, or your gift exchange resembled one of those horrible commercials with a fiery amount of passion that only HELL could produce, well, congratulations.

I got a Dyson for Christmas, so I will be happy to come and vacuum up the pieces of your shattered lives once you figure out you hate each other.

Until then, I will savor everything that after Christmas shopping has to offer...

Every Time a Bell Rings...

Tis the season for miracles.  And on Maury today, a miracle actually happened. 

During a paternity focused show, Kevin swore up an down that he never had relations with Aisha.  To quote him appropriately for the purposes of this blog, "I ain't never slept with her....If you can have a baby from doing that, then that there is a miracle baby!"

Well Kevin, all you have to do is believe.  Miracles can happen. 

Because, low and behold, Kevin IS the father.  (shocker, I know...)

The overall moral of the story: Miracles are possible and they happen every day.  Don't let people like Kevin be the ones that have to remind you of that.

Perhaps, every time a bell rings, a paternity test comes back positive!

We Never Need An Excuse for a Good Party

Once again, I am a huge slacker. In between trying to finish things up at work so I can go on Christmas vacation, Christmas shopping and oh yeah, celebrating the fact I am on Christmas vacation (a little) too hard, I have neglected this little thing I call a blog. 

However, it's not like I am the leader of the nation and people look up to me as some sort of role model.  I only have six readers, not a global following.  Which is why I don't feel so bad about slacking, because if you are going to be slack on something, it should be a blog - and not your research on celebrating another religion during a public ceremony.

This year, it appears the President and VP have hit the holiday cocktails harder than I have. 

While I do not practice Judaism, I do actually own a calendar, which clearly states when the first day of Hanukkah is.  December 20.  However, Obama celebrated Hanukkah on December 9.  Well perhaps it had to do with his schedule, blah, blah, not sure, whatever, it doesn’t matter.  Because it gets better…

Clearly everyone should celebrate Hanukkah (whenever they like) because as stated by President Obama, “We never need an excuse for a good party.”

He then proceeded to light all of the candles on the menorah like it was a birthday cake. He must have had Hanukkah confused with a Bar Mitzvah. 

Luckily, Joe Biden was there to flash his pearly whites to detract attention from the flaming menorah.

Now, I’m not trying to say that I am a cultured person simply because I own a calendar and cheers tequila with a “Feliz Navidad” during the holidays.  I’m just saying that it’s not that hard to learn how to do something properly, especially when you are doing it in front of an audience. Oh, and you are the President. 

So Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and Mazeltov! Oh and Happy Easter and Election Day.  (Hey, if we’re moving holidays around, why not get the Cadbury eggs here sooner and maybe someone new in office?)

Despite your political or religious views, if you’d like to grab a cocktail this week, just let me know, because in the words of our fine leader, “we never need an excuse for a good party.” 

 

Finally, Educational Television...

Well, I remember the days of seeing TLC in the corner of the screen and thinking, I couldn't change the channel fast enough. They never had anything worth watching on, they were either trying to teach me about nature or showing something grotesque like "A Baby Story." 

Well, times have changed, and now I just can't get enough of The Learning Channel, because quite frankly, they are teaching me a lot. Either my tastes have matured, or the folks at TLC finally learned that people want to learn about substantive topics/issues. 

Now, in no particular order, I have found the following lessons to be beneficial, and if it weren't for TLC, I'd still be in the dark on most of these things.

The Art of Exploitation, I mean Pageantry

If it weren't for Toddlers and Tiaras, I would have no inspiration to obtain a part-time job. Basically, on any given weekend across the country, toddlers take the stage wearing makeup, spray tans and fake hair to be judged on beauty, personality and costumes. And they have COACHES for this! 

The show follows families on their quest for sparkly crowns, big titles and lots of cash.  Well, when I say lots of cash, I mean not enough to break even to cover the cost of the bedazzled dresses those little nuggets are wearing, but hey, this show teaches you about pageants, not math people.  So, if they are happy with a "winning" deficit, then you should be ecstatic.  It's actually what I consider to be one of the best parts of the whole show.

Patti Stanger is Wrong, Monogamy is Overrated

Apparently, a man can have multiple wives and they can all live happily ever after. How come Disney never had that in a movie?  Or Ken never dated Skipper too? Seriously, we all know that girls can't get along - has TLC ever seen any of the Real Housewives? However, it appears that homely looking women tend to be friendlier than attractive women and they just LOVE sharing a husband and kids.  This relationship  These relationships appear to be working - take that Patti Stanger!  The most stressful thing Cody has to do is push his hair out of his face. I understand, when you have 4 wives and who knows how many kids, you're just too busy to get a haircut.  Basically, this show proves that people can be happily married, once, twice, three...no four times, without even getting divorced!

Wedding Dresses are Awesome!

Friday nights are filled with wedding bliss.  Thanks to Say Yes to the Dress:Kleinfleds, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta and Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss (aka Lane Bryant) girls everywhere from north to south, from thin to supersize can now watch girls pick the perfect dress!  OMG, so much fun, right? 

These shows can teach someone so much, like maybe the silhouette you were thinking of might not be the best for you, or that it’s definitely not good to try on something out of your price range. These clerks are full of advice; however, I'm not sure if you're already on to it or not, but read between the lines: Sweetheart, if you are home on a Friday night watching this, you likely aren't going to be saying "Yes" to a dress anytime soon.

DUIs Can Be Non-Confrontational & Fashionable

This is a new little gem I discovered, a show called DUI.  This is a less confrontational version of Cops, but entertaining nonetheless. Prison is never an appealing option for anyone, but maybe, just maybe, pink cuffs will make you feel better John - or they will at least be a nice tribute to your wife.  

The Duggar Family is Obnoxious
TLC really didn't teach me this. You can actually blame them for having to learn this lesson, because they are the ones who introduced this family to the world to begin with.  However, the Duggars are obnoxious.  No other explanation needed, you don't even need to watch the show to learn that. 

Believe me, I can't watch them on TLC and the only thing worse than Matt Lauer not being on the Today Show in the morning is hearing, "The Duggar Family has an announcement."  You don't have any shock value anymore - you (and your reproductive organs) probably lost that with your 10th...15th child.  Who's counting anymore, really?



Oh, Please...

I really didn't think it could get any worse than the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman "Open Heart" jewelry Collection at Kay.

Luckily, Lexus has exceeded my holiday commerical disgust.


If I see one more Lexus commercial, I am going to attempt a class action lawsuit for false advertising.

We all know that the 1st Anniversary is paper...the 10th is aluminum and the 50th is gold...the list goes on and on.  But what Christmas is the Lexus Christmas? 

Well, based on the couples in the ads its EARLY because these people are no older than their early 30's.  Who can afford that? Wait, better question, where did you guys meet each other, because clearly I need to go there. 

Actually, forget I said that, because you people look obnoxious and it appears that all of you live in the Great White North since your Christmases are white - and I'm not up for that. 

What is even more disturbing about these commercials is the manner in which the gifts are given. Apparently, when you have enough money to give cars as gifts, you also have enough money to have a custom music box made that plays the Lexus holiday theme song.  Barf...

Seriously, someone please come hold my hair.  That is disgusting...

Putting the Holiday Spirit in Holiday Spirits!

Well, sorry this couldn't wait.

We all know my favorite commercials that center around the public interest are the "Sober or Slammer" ones.  The man with cranberry and vodka pouring out of his car door when he opens it is CLASSIC.  I'm not even a fan of cranberry and vodka, but man, it gets me every time.

However, tonight, the SC Department of Public Safety officially topped their previous advertisements targeting drunk drivers.  And there are no flowing libations or slurred speech, just SANTA!

That's right, the SC Dept. of Public Safety released an ad teaching Columbia residents very important acronym:

S - sober
A- all
N - night
T - totally
A - awesome

Designated Driver!!
With that said, Merry Christmas. 

Apparently, "SANTA" is ready to pick you up in his sleigh any time.  So if you are out and have one too many, just go home with the first person you see dressed as Santa - because law enforcement has designated this as an appropriate form of transportation home.

This is probably a breath of fresh air for half the college girls in Columbia.  This now makes it ok to go home with some overweight guy, making empty promises about all the presents he can give you. 

Safe travels girls! Oh, and Happy Holidays!

Slacker...

I would like to apologize to my six readers.  I have been very slack this week.

I promise my voice of reason will be back tomorrow, because luckily I have the day off from: