It's Nauseating How Slack I've Been...No Literally

I'm glad this blog isn't a living, breathing child; because DSS would have already filed neglect charges against me and removed it from my custody faster than you can say foster home.

Anyways, I have been super busy over the past week fighting some sort of Noro-ish virus and working.  Yes, the noro-ish virus (not officially diagnosed by a professional, just by me and various internet sites) hit me last Friday and made me waste an entire weekend by laying around.

While I thought I was knocking on death's door about this same time last week, it never answered.  So, I survived to tell the story.

All I know is, if I in fact had norovirus, that is reason #386 as to why I will never go on a cruise.  If I had to rank all of my reasons, it would be rank in the top 4 along with:

#1 - Boat Sinking

#2 Having to hang out with these people

#3 Dinners with strangers and unsolicited entertainment from the staff

Despite the fact I was unable to display my impeccable spray tan and new outfits to the general public last weekend, I did achieve 36+ hours of sleep, which does WONDERS for puffy eyes.

I'm not saying a stomach virus is replacement for rest and routine cosmetic surgery, but I will say, I've never looked so "not tired" on a Monday morning in a very, very long time - or been excited to go to work on a Monday.  Hey, I was excited to finally get out of the house.   

In Other Equally Nauseating News
As I mentioned earlier, DSS would have already intervened if this blog were a child.  And speaking of potential visits from the Dept. Social Service/Child Services...

Congratulations to Snooki!!

Snooki is apparently pregnant and possibly engaged to her guido boyfriend. Who is equally as spray tanned as she is, which is impressive and disturbing all at the same time. 

Anyways, who would have thought such monumental life moments would happen mere months after she peed all over herself on a dance floor. People grow up quick.  You know what they say, like mother like infant.  However, I pray that she will use baby wipes and diapers on the kid as opposed to perfume and double pairs of underwear like she used for herself.

Editor's Note:  The happy couple/proud parents are registered at Ultra Tan.

The House that IKEA Built

IKEA has really done it all.  And that's not necessarily a good thing.

Now you can purchase a home and assemble it yourself (with their help) for a mere $86,000.

The good news is, I don't think there are 1,000 screws and meticulous instructions.  According to IKEA, you can pretty much slap this thing together faster than a double wide.

The house can be delivered to your empty lot by a semi-truck in one or two big pieces. It arrives already constructed and partially furnished, with an IKEA bedroom, kitchen and bathroom installed. "It's your own personal euro designer flat...

This rendering isn't too impressive.

However, I would totally enjoy that living room.  I'd just never want to look at the front of my house.

I just wonder if this home can withstand the elements.  No, not a tornado.  We all know that tornadoes can demolish any structure and have a love for mobile/ready-made homes.  I'm more concerned with rain, snow, etc.  I just question how fiberboard will hold up.

So, if you've got a plot of land lying around go ahead and get one of these delivered to you.  Nothing says convenience like a pre-assembled home. 

Time to Catch Up

I have been really slack.  My sincerest apologies.

It’s just that I have been busy gearing up for Valentine’s Day (aka making sure I had enough hair ties to hold my hair back during the vomit-inducing Kay commercials) Oh, and dealing with the death of Whitney Houston.  (RIP Whit!) However, there have been several stories in the news that I should probably address: 

The Marlboro Man Does Exist and He's Pissed!

Ol’ Tommy Jordan, or should I say, Daddy Dearest, chose to share his commentary and remarkable parenting skills with the entire world this week via You Tube.   

Apparently, Tommy came across a profanity-laden post from his daughter on Facebook complaining that she was expected to fetch coffee, make her bed and clean the counters. This came after he spent the entire day installing updates on her laptop (which she wasn’t grateful for either). So, when he logged in to Facebook as the family dog and saw the post that was privacy blocked from family and church, he was naturally displeased at his daughter’s lack of appreciation. So he shot her laptop, and told her she had to pay for the bullets.

Seriously Tommy, it’s not that bad.  I know times have changed from the days where you would spray paint profanities on the local water tower, but today, the kids are using Facebook.

It’s not the rant that I appreciate, it is actually something more.  I would just like to say kudos to the backwoods breed that is the Jordan family.

 I am so proud of you, having internet, fancy computers, oh and a Facebook account for your dog! (I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the dog’s name is probably Dixie.) I’m also a fan of that10 gallon hat.  All I know is, I hope your daughter continues to misbehave because I can’t wait for more of your gun slinging rants from your grassy pasture in North Carolina. 

There Are Going to be More Babies to Put in Corners

 
I'm sure Pampers and Babies R Us are dancing in the streets.  The government is extremely concerned with babies.  No, babies isn't some super important, scientific term for "the economy" it literally means "babies."

The current debate stems from the Obama Care bill which would require contraception to be provided through an employer's health insurance policy.  Well, this outraged groups who do not believe in the use of contraception. Blah, blah, blah. If you don't use it, then what's the problem? You don't have to take every pill that your insurance covers.  In fact, if you did, you would probably end up like Whitney. (RIP Whit!)

Can't they just file this topic under "irreconcilable differences" and call it a day?

For some strange reason, birth control has been an issue for a long time. I don't see how this is even a feasible question to ask in a debate, or why it is even on the agenda.  Asking someone who is running for president their stance on birth control and abortion is ridiculous.  Wasting time in a committee hearing is insane.

Here's my political/economic analysis of the contraception issue (and it comes with a fabulous soundtrack I might add): 

Haven't these people seen Dirty Dancing?  Ban it and people will find another means, and will just end up like Penny.  Then companies will have to put up with a less attractive temp with a huge nose until Penny can return to work. Not only having to pay Penny for her leave, but they also take on the cost of hiring a temp.  Oh, and did I mention how grueling it is going to be to train the temp, only for her to finally get it right conveniently when Penny is ready to return to work?

Do you know why China is becoming an economic powerhouse? Their one-child policy created in the 70's was intended to  to alleviate social, economic, and environmental problems.  And well, it appears to have worked, since we owe them an exorbitant amount of money and their economy is growing faster than little Lily on Modern Family.

So if Congress feels the need to debate diapers all week, then that's fine.  At least link children to the economy like China apparently did. 

Seriously America, get yourself together.

Amazon Attempts Scientific Research - And Fails!

I thought journalists had to take some oath to report the truth.  I also thought that when research was conducted, qualified people (perhaps with an ounce of common sense) were selected to complete the task.  Well, clearly I was wrong.

This week, Amazon.com thought they would release their list of “The Most Romantic Cities in America.”   Here’s what the online marketplace came up with:

1.      Knoxville, TN
2.      Alexandria, VA
3.      Springfield, MO
4.      Orlando, FL
5.      Cincinnati, OH 

Oh, and Columbia, SC made it in the top 10.  (Insert hysterical laughter/disgust/WTF? here) 

This is list is atrocious.  So how did they reach this scientific conclusion about romance?  Well, they based it on sales of romance novels, relationship books, romantic comedy movies, oh, and Barry White albums.  

Now, as I’ve stated before, I’m no scientist, but really? These are the variables you use?

Joan Collins, Dr. Phil and chick flicks scream romance, don’t they?  

Of course they do…for some lady and her cat.  

Amazon, please stick to offering me millions of items that can be conveniently shipped to me sans sales tax, and leave the kitschy research alone. 

Valentine's Day is Right Around the Corner

Valentine's Day is coming up, so if you haven't gotten my gift yet, here are a few things that you should consider (a) taking back if you already bought it; or (b) removing from your list if you consider it a potential purchase - not just for me, for anyone really. 
 

Pro-Flowers
Oh good, you saw the Pro-Flowers commercial where you can get a fabulous arrangement for a mere $39.95 with some free chocolates.  Spare me, and just have an envelope of $39.95 delivered to my office.

Actually, I like this commercial, specifically the testimonials from the "givers" and the "receivers."

For instance, one gentleman, we'll call him John, touts how great the flowers are and the fact he has sent them "51 times." Seriously?  Either he screws up a lot or he thought this would be the best way to beat a restraining order.  No one wants flowers from you John.  Especially now that we know you are a chronic sender.

The girls who receive the flowers are quite entertaining as well.  They talk about how when they received them, "all the men in the office were put to shame."  Actually, they probably weren't.  The women who appear on this commercial are not uber attractive, so quite honestly, they would be excited they got flowers from anywhere - whether it be from Pro Flowers or snatched from the local cemetery.


Anything from the Open Heart Collection

Well, you thought you wouldn't have to see this woman or her stupid commercials any more after Christmas, but you were wrong.  Jane Seymour and her heinous open hearts are back for round two, completely forcing themselves on you during the month of February.

I'd rather receive involuntary open heart surgery from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman herself than to have to pretend to like this gift, much less wear it in public.


It just scares me that she has developed an entire line of jewelry based on a one stroke painting.  I'm sure everyone has seen those commercials of her, in her little craft house, painting that same symbol over and over. Over and over, one continuous stroke, on all these white canvases. It is seriously a little too Jack Nicholson in The Shining for my tastes. All work and no play make Jane a dull girl… I hate she even had a chance to be in that craft house that long.  Now, all of America is stuck with her and her god-awful jewelry.

I've got to give her credit though.  I'm sure she is laughing all the way to the bank seeing as how her collection ranges from $50 - $8,000.  However, I'm sure she's sold all of one of those $8,000 bracelets she created, and that was probably to herself.

Pajama-gram's Hoodie Footie
Move over Victoria's Secret.  Valentine's Day apparently just got hotter.

That's right there is such thing as a "pajama-gram" and they have something called the "hoodie footie" available for purchase. Don't worry, I too, am still in shock that this is even an option to make my list of horrible Valentine's Day ideas.
 
First of all, I am a huge fan of leopard print. However, the only people who should have pajamas that look like a giant animal costume are individuals under the age of three years old.

Seriously, where the hell do you wear this?  Certainly not even in the privacy of your own home.  On average, a person has an 8% chance of their house burning down, which should be taken into account if you are thinking about wearing this to bed.  

Why, you ask?

Because there is a 125% chance that you will be judged to hell in back, should your home be engulfed in flames and the local news airs coverage of you weeping outside your burning home in the middle of the night, dressed as an adult leopard.


In Conclusion
Remember, it really doesn't matter what you give/get for Valentine's Day, just as long as it invokes jealously in others.  But I can promise you that none of these gifts will really invoke anything except vomit and/or tears.  

I'll Have a Cheeseburger Un-Happy Meal Please

It appears that McDonald's has put the happy meal on a diet.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Let's face it, fat kids order off the regular menu anyways, and while I do agree that McDonald's can make anyone fat, that is only if they eat it all the time.  So basically those people need an intervention - not McDonald's.

Last summer, McDonald's announced that they were going to cut the amount of French fries in half and add fruit to reduce the overall calorie count by 20 percent. Now, I didn't pay any attention to this announcement last summer; however, I did pay attention Saturday, when I got my happy meal.  While I was excited to see my barbie toy, I was not excited to see my barbie-size fry.

According to the NY Times:

McDonald’s made it clear that it was changing the composition of Happy Meals in response to parental and consumer pressure. 

Basically, McDonald's was just trying to make all the crazy people happy.  And by crazy people, I mean all those people who bitch about the link between toys and fast food.  Not to mention the highly visible Michelle Obama campaign against childhood obesity.  Since she and national public health officials claim 17 percent of kids are fat.  Well, sorry, I ate happy meals all the time when I was little and I didn't end up like porky the pig.  Tell those little pudgecicles to get off their butts and run at recess.

Michelle Obama [and her "great" arms] commended McDonald's last year, by saying:

I’ve always said that everyone has a role to play in making America healthier, and these are positive steps toward the goal of solving the problem of childhood obesity.

Thanks Michelle, I'm glad you got the government involved in the happy meal.  Clearly, it is possible for the government to get involved in everything. 

Ugh, to top it off, my happy meal wasn't even in a fun little box.  It was in a sketchy bag.  A sketchy bag sponsored by Sallie Mae - and don't even get me started on that.

I get it, McDonald's isn't good for you.  Believe me, I get it.  I was trying to guesstimate how long it would take me to burn this off on the elliptical while I waited for it.  And I'm still beating myself up for it.  But let's face it, it is good.  So let's not ruin a good thing by taking away toys, french fries and letting student loan sharks in on the meal.  

Leave the happy meal alone - it has been around for 30 years.  Fat people have been around FOREVER. 

To the happy meal I once knew and loved, thanks for the memories.  To the 2012 version, seriously, I pay the same thing and get WAY less?  This economy is ridiculous.

Now, back to the elliptical...

The State of Our Union

This week, Obama gave his "State of the Union Address" aka "Practice Campaign Speech" and I found it disturbing on many levels, not necessarily because of what all he said, but primarily because of the fashion choices of the attendees.

Michelle Obama obviously threatened everyone in her seating section that cobalt blue was off limits for them.  And good for her. However, I don't really see anyone sitting in that section that could be deemed fashion forward. 

In addition to the cobalt creation, we learned that Hillary Clinton is obviously coping with hot flashes, judging by the headband contraption on her head.  Headbands (unless there is some sort of fascinator attachment) should be left for the younger crowd. I know she loved them in the 1990's, but just like those stirrup pants, you just have to let some things go.

It's like a couture version of "where's waldo?"

This is the only angle where this looks good. 

Anyways, enough about the fashion.  Let's discuss the content.  I mean, look at my boy Joe, clearly he is captivated by the President's prolific words.  Or he's just texting Jill to say, "Did you see Hill's headband?"

The content was good stuff, some of my favorite quotes of the evening included:

"I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln believed: That Government should do for people only what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more." 

Well, that is wonderful, because I am right handed. Therefore, I always have trouble painting my nails on my right hand.  They just never look as good. So when can I expect a government representative at my door with a good bottle of OPI? 

"Our workers are the most productive on Earth, and if the playing field is level, I promise you— America will always win."

Well, actually, those pesky child labor laws prohibit America from being more productive.  Oh, and the fact people can make just as much, if not more money sitting at home than they would if they actually went out and found a job.

"We also know that when students don’t walk away from their education, more of them walk the stage to get their diploma."

Basically, that means, when students don't drop out of school, they graduate. Seriously, take that in. I know it's hard to comprehend...

"Over the last three years, we’ve opened millions of new acres for oil and gas exploration...I’m directing my administration to open more than 75 percent of our potential offshore oil and gas resources."

Offshore is mighty fancy and all, but what's wrong with the Keystone pipeline? That would run from Canada to Texas, a straight shot.  You don't have to venture to the middle of the ocean. Just a thought.

According to Obama, the state of our union is getting "stronger" and he even made several references to an America "built to last."  But there's just something about him saying those words, it makes me feel more inclined to buy a roll of Bounty paper towels as opposed to getting enthused about the economy.

So really, the only thing that you should have taken away from this historical evening, is that head bands are bad AND it appears that Michelle Obama is capable of wearing sleeves - so maybe there is hope for America after all.

First in the South

South Carolina ranks among the bottom tier of states in just about everything.  However, once every four years, we get to be "first" in something - and it's not obesity.  It's the Republican primaries.

This weekend, voters from across the state went to vote on who they thought would be the best candidate to beat Obama in the fall. 

Since you can't write in names for a primary, everyone who wanted Alvin Greene to be on the ticket were just SOL.  This was great news for Newt Gingrich, who was deemed the winner only minutes after polls closed and votes hadn't even been officially tallied.

Historically, South Carolina has picked the presidential nominee, so I guess we will see how this turns out.  Everyone heads to the land of sunshine, jorts, petifiles and Casey Anthony next, with the Florida primaries being held on January 31. 

I love politics.  I think over the course of the past few weeks, I know why I love them so much.  After years of unintended research, I had a breakthrough discovery this week.  Campaigns, debates, speeches, they all have a striking similarity to a pageant. However, the power tie replaces the sequin.

The most recent line-up consisted of Santorum, Romney, Gingrich and Paul in a debate in Charleston, SC.

Prior to this debate beginning, Mitt Romney's Iowa victory was revoked and New Gingrich's ex-wife claimed he asked to have an "open marriage."  I'm sure those two downed some extra pixie sticks back stage in order to stay focused. 

At this point, we all know it is between Romney and Gingrich.  Unless Santorum and Paul can "wow" us in "wow wear" down in Florida.  Unfortunately, ALL of these guys come with more baggage than I do for a one night stay.

Newt Gingrich has been married three times.  In any instance, who cares?  What does that have to do with anything? Allegedly, he asked for an "open marriage." Well, quite frankly, did you see her?  She should be flattered anyone would actually want to keep things "open" with her.  Because I would have slammed that door as soon as a could.  So at least the offer was extended, sweetheart!

I'll give it to the man.  He is sharp as a tack in a debate and he is a tried and true politician.  Is the latter part of that statement a good thing?  Well, probably not to most.  But I will say that I am a huge fan of what most people call a Washington insider, or what I like to think is just a true politician.  Yes, politics are dirty, but if you can maintain a career doing it, then good for you.  That's why I'm a huge fan of Joe Biden.  While I may not agree with his politics 100% of the time, I think he knows his way around the political arena and knows when to flash those pearly whites. He is one of the only things I enjoy about the Obama administration.  So, granted Gingrich may not be the "most facially beautiful" of the bunch, I do think he knows his stuff.

Mitt Romney comes with baggage as well.  His baggage contains several pairs of flip-flops.  However, his flip-flopping status could be the result politics or just really good packing.  You see, Mitt refuses to explain why some of his millions were invested in the Cayman Islands.

Well, all I have to say is, have you ever been to the Cayman Islands?  I have.  It is fabulous.  I would invest (and/or hoard) money there if it meant I got to visit more often. I don't care how shady you thought I was, I wouldn't care.  I'd be on a white sandy beach in the sun and there's nothing shady about that! And not to defend him, but you definitely need flip flops for that trip. Don't worry, all his money isn't in the Caymans, because he has the best funded campaign of any candidate in the Republican party.  So who really knows what's going on with Mitt and his flip-flops.

Rick Santorum has the task of explaining why he and his wife brought their stillborn baby home. Spending time with a stillborn child (or one who died shortly after birth, as in the Santorum case) is commonly recommended by medical professionals. However, the matter of taking the child home for a few hours is less common, but the Santorums did this so that their other children could also spend a little time with the deceased child. However, this has been deemed "slightly weird" by the media.  And, you heard it here first, it has been deemed ABSURDLY WEIRD by me.

Ron Paul has more knowledge than Encyclopedia Britannica. He knows his stuff and his followers are among some of the most intense. Unfortunately, in a recent interview with ABC news, he said the following in response to "Do you see yourself in the Oval Office?” 

“Not really...[the odds] are not as slim as they were 25 years ago.”

Really?  Then why campaign?  Why continue to take people's money from them to support your campaign? Well I guess it's just to get people thinking...and if you can get money from strangers to do that, then so be it. 

All I know is that whoever the nominee ends up being, they will have a long road ahead of them.  Obama has a TON of campaign money.  Probably enough to rival the amount of the federal deficit. I mean, when Oprah endorses you, that's the equivalent of being on her favorite things show.  And just like a Burberry jacket, Barack has flown off the shelves too.

Good luck guys, because I sure hope someone can stop Obama Care, so I can keep my job.

There She is, Miss America...

Well, Miss America was crowned last night.  I am so excited that the cheese state has a one year reign over the country in 2012.  Congratulations Miss Wisconsin.  I must say, that crown is way more attractive than a cheese head any day.

This year, I noticed that many of the girls looked really young.  No, not like China’s Olympic Gymnastics team young, but most of them had a strikingly flawless, youthful look. Yes, I am coming to terms with the fact I am getting old, but most of these girls were in their twenties. I’d say the average age was around 4 years younger than me.  Now, I realize that the “flawless, youthful look” is the work of airbrushed make-up and spray tans, but it can’t help make me wonder if I shouldn’t schedule some botox and fillers this week.  I’m fairly certain a few of them have probably gotten a few injections here and there and Good for them!  Because there were a handful of homely girls among the crowd, and well, let’s be realistic, that girl next door look doesn’t cut it for Miss America.

I take my role as an at-home judge seriously.  I love anything and everything that sparkles, but I don’t let that go to my head.  For instance, I thought Miss SC looked stunning in her dress. I’m not just being bias because I live in SC; in fact, I usually am a harsher critic of our candidates. However, I thought it was simple and elegant.  Unfortunately, it didn’t wow the judges the same way it did me, because she was gone less than 20 minutes later.  Poor girl didn’t even have a chance to do her talent routine. 

Well, since we’re on the subject, let’s discuss the talent segment.  Who knew that opera, piano, Irish dance and point were still popular?  Unfortunately, I found it hard to pay attention to the actual performances because I was too busy reading the fake hobbies and outlandish educational statements that were scrolling across the bottom of the screen.  Here are a few of my favorites:

“Accepted to college at 16” – Umm, online does not count.  Rise like a Phoenix Miss NY, because I’m not buying it.

“Loves the Farmers Market” – Well Miss Iowa, loving the mall really isn’t that special.  I’m making the assumption that by “farmers market” you do mean mall.  It is Iowa, after all.

“Had a poem published in 5^th grade” – Roses are red, violets are blue, watch out Maya Angelou- Miss Arizona is a published poet too!

“Afraid of Windmills” – Well, thank goodness Miss Illinois’ platform wasn’t wind energy.  Ironically enough, Illinois is home to the windy city.  I’m surprised she hasn’t moved, because that must be tormenting. 

“Reads the Declaration of Independence Every July 4^th” – I drink cocktails and light sparklers, but that’s cool too Miss Oklahoma.

 “Self Described over Achiever” – Can’t you be more creative than that Miss Texas?  Everyone knows you never say that in a job interview, much less a pageant questionnaire!

 “Secretly wishes to swim with dolphins” – Well it’s not a secret anymore Miss Wisconsin.  I’m sure Sea World will be calling soon.

All I have to say is thanks girls! You made me aware of some new hobbies I should dabble in and goals that I should aspire to.

Congratulations to Miss Wisconsin, but watch out girl.  I’m sure all your competitors applied extra Vaseline to their teeth so they could do nothing but smile while they congratulated you. They also, remembered to wear waterproof eye makeup.  (Learn a lesson from your peers please.)

Seriously, I have never seen so much fake happiness under one roof in quite some time.  We all know those girls had already made arrangements backstage to have every incriminating photo of Miss WI set to make headlines by Monday.

That’s why I appreciate Toddlers and Tiaras so much.  At least those girls cry when they don’t win and will throw a heinous temper tantrum while the other girl gets crowned. They don’t fake hug-it-out and clap when their name isn’t called.  They have REAL reactions.  And they are mere children.

So Miss America, I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend before ALL your skeletons come out of the closet over the coming year.  Luckily, you already put it out there that you don't believe in waterproof makeup and you want to swim with dolphins, so at least that is already behind you. 

Sallie Madoff, I mean, Mae...is a Bitch!

All I have to say is, Sallie Mae is a bitch  stupid bitch.  I'm not saying I'm a genius because I went to grad school.  I mean, clearly I'm not a genius, because I don't understand science/atoms.  However, I didn't have a perfect (ok 3.9) GPA for nothing.  I'm not stupid.  I do know how to read, collate paper and lick stamps.  In fact, most special education programs have kids that excel in these functions.  Unfortunately, Sallie Mae didn't hire the special ed kids that are fully capable of mailing people the correct documents.  Instead, she did it herself.

Because of this poor staffing choice, she mailed the wrong documents for me to complete for 2012. Perhaps she should consider taking out a loan herself, so she could go to school and learn to read and collate papers properly.  Because of her error, I had to pay quadruple what I normally pay for the month of January because she "can't go back and adjust." 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that same line years ago from a meter man giving me a ticket.  He said the exact same thing.  The funny thing is, it wouldn't be hard to adjust.  All he needed to do was go back to that point in time in his life when he decided to become a complete tool, and just alter his path.  That way, he wouldn't be walking from car to car in the sweltering heat, or issuing me a ticket. If that seems a little far fetched, perhaps he could have just clicked a button and deleted it.  Either way, problem solved! 

In the instance of the parking ticket, and my student loan account, I firmly believe it would only take clicking a button to make an adjustment.  Problem is, neither would ever admit that.

Luckily, Sallie said she would get her sh*t together in 5-7 business days.  Looking forward to it. 

Maybe I should just start telling her, I'll get around to finding my checkbook in 5-7 business days and please allow 2-4 business days for actual payment.  If payment needs to be made immediately, please deduct $17.95 from my bill to receive rush payment.  

So thank you Sallie Mae. I sometimes wonder how you aren't in jail with Bernie Madoff, because you are among one of the founding fathers (well, mothers) of ponzie schemes.

A Role Model for Little Girls Everywhere

For years, Barbie has been a cultural icon. She hit the markets in 1959, adorned in a black-and-white striped bathing suit, pearl hoop earrings and stiletto heels and never looked back.  

Barbie, with her perfect physique and insatiable lust for fabulous clothes, still has the ability to represent a fantasy world beyond the ordinary roles and rituals of everyday life. Even in countries that don’t sell make-up and whose rituals differ greatly from that of America, little girls still play with Barbie. Granted Barbie has gone through many changes over the years, and her wardrobe has drastically expanded from the black and white bathing suit she first wore, she is still the pretty blonde icon that little girls (and probably some boys) look to as a role model.  However, I think that is about to change.

Move over Barbie, there is a new pretty blonde role model in town, and she’ll bulldoze your dream house if you cross her.

Meet Elin Nordegren, my new hero. 

Elin hit the scene in 2001, when she was introduced to Tiger Woods.   She wasn’t wearing a black and white bathing suit, but she was able to make quite an impression on him.  They married in 2004 and appeared to have the perfect life.  That is, until news broke that Tiger had cheated, multiple times, with heinously unattractive women.    

If this would have happened to Barbie, she probably would have kindly moved on. She would have simply kicked Ken out of the dream house and sought comfort from her fellow plastic friends. Basically, she would have taken the boring approach.

Elin on the other hand, beat Tiger to a bloody pulp with a golf club, took all his cash and his golf game (although I’m not sure if the latter was actually intended) and never looked back.  

After a brief hiatus in the headlines, Elin made an appearance this week when news outlets across the globe reported on her plans for a new Florida home.  Of course my first thought was, “Oh wow, she probably bought some outrageous house as one last Eff- you to Tiger? Do we really care where she is living, or what she is doing?”

Well, yes.  Yes, we should care.  Because in an effort to remind everyone yet again, that she received an exorbitant amount of money from her dirt bag ex-husband, she let it be known to the world this week, that she still has the upper hand.  With this fabulous piece of beach property...

Looks fabulous, Elin!! You'll definitely need those sunglasses you are wearing! I’m sure you will be able to live happily ever after there.  Wait?  That’s not good enough?  You want to change it? But why?  It’s so pretty!  Oh, wait, I understand. He did cheat on you with a Perkins waitress for goodness sake. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with Perkins, it is a restaurant chain similar to Lizard’s Thicket.)  You are right. Cue the bulldozer!

Perfect.  A blank canvas.  Now you can just build your own dream house on that fabulous piece of property. Love, love, love it!

Now, I realize Tiger isn’t living in some slum apartment eating ramen noodles.  He still owns obnoxiously lavish real estate too.  But I do like to think he is miserable now that the world knows he has little standards, not to mention the fact he can never walk into a Perkins again.  Maybe Rachel Uchitel can keep him company, because she was the only one who was somewhat attractive.  But even then, a whore is a whore, is a whore. So no, I refute that statement, she really doesn’t deserve any compliments.   

Elin is a pretty good role model if you ask me.  She was able to beat Tiger with a three iron, take all of his money and then rub it in his face! And she did it all with class. Barbie would never be able to get away with that!

I’m so glad that Elin is back.  I understand that she will probably never have the following that Barbie has, nor will she reach the “fashion icon” status that the Mattel creation has achieved.  Despite that, I still think she is a viable option to be the real-life, pretty blonde role model for little girls everywhere to look up to.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’d be okay with being “unhappy” in Elin’s new beach home, ironically enough, located in a golf course community.

Little girls everywhere should invest in a Tonka bulldozer this week, because I feel like Barbie could get some pretty good use out of it if she really wanted to.

The Internet: Friend or Foe?

The Internet, what would we do with out it? Information is available at the click of a mouse. It's great.  Without it, I wouldn't have this blog and the shameless self-promotion that goes along with it. More importantly, Google would not exist. I love Google, it is my phone book, encyclopedia, and since I still use an archaic blackberry, it is my Siri to which I ask all questions.

However, I want to focus on two websites in particular: WebMD and Facebook. Arguably, two very popular websites, and ironically the best and worst inventions of all time.

I remember when Facebook first launched. It seemed like some sort of small (at the time) college networking system. After a few months, everyone saw how entertaining it could be to be "friends" with their friends at other schools, and keep in touch via "wall" messages, the equivalent of graffiti for privileged kids with computers. Believe me, looking back, half the stuff you wrote in college should be considered graffiti and removed if you ever want to have a significant job. Facebook basically replaced IM.

Today, saying Facebook replaced IM, is like saying the iphone replaced the pay phone. There really is no comparison. What once was a basic networking site has become the epitome of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction - it's just getting to be too much to handle. And with each passing day, I consider removing it from my life. Unfortunately, just like Glenn, it won't go away. I have yet to delete it because I think people would seriously think that I had become some shut-in cat lady.

Facebook just puts way too much out there now. All you have to do is log on and you will learn something new. The uber-creepy constant updates make most major news networks feel insecure at the speed in which their headlines move across the bottom of the screen.

Because of this constant news feed, Facebook can result in lessons you didn't want to learn.

Things you didn't want to know, will somehow pop-up, and then you are left to sit there and think about them. There is good news for you, however, if what you just learned on Facebook makes you feel sick, just log on to Web MD.

WebMD is so informative, yet so dangerous. You log in with the sniffles and leave diagnosing yourself with blunt trauma to the head. Believe me, I know how it works. Leave me on WebMD long enough and I promise you I can agree with enough symptoms to diagnose myself with prostate cancer. While WebMD can't replace a doctor, I will say, I have successfully diagnosed on there, just ask my dentist.

However most of my diagnoses are wrong, and to make it worse, I recently discovered WebMD for pets! By the end of the day, I had diagnosed little Albie with renal failure. However, the vet disagreed, (even though the bill resembled what I think treating the early stages of renal failure should cost) he just had a little bug, nothing terminal.

Hey, I just read statements, look at visual aids and nod "yes" or "no" to symptoms, scenarios and connect the dots. Dots that lead to horrible, terminal diseases and permanent stress.

You know, sometimes I curse the day Al Gore was born for inventing such a thing like the Internet. But then I remember it does serve a less stressful purpose - online shopping.

Fortune Cookie Say...Nothing

I have a problem with stealing from restaurants, specifically Asian restaurants.  No, I don't steal silverware, chopsticks, or sugar packets.  I steal fortune cookies.

My favorite restaurant actually keeps a large vase of cookies right at the front door. I'm sorry, you don't put that many at the door, just to take one.  Just like most kleptos I have convinced myself "they were just asking to be taken" in order to justify my behavior. So, I normally take as many as my little handbag can handle. 

I like to keep them for bad days. One time, I took an excessive amount and anytime someone had a bad day, I just gave them one.  Hey, what is better than some blonde girl handing you a fortune cookie out of her handbag and telling you to "feel better" in the voice of Ms. Swan?  It's really amazing what a little piece of paper can do for a person!

Unfortunately, tonight, I was unable to to perform grand theft cookie.

Because I am a person who needs instant gratification, (i.e. I only buy scratch off lottery tickets) I immediately had to open it on the way to the car. 

Well, there was nothing there.

Basically, I need to just crawl into a ditch and die, because that is not good.  Generally, no fortune in your cookie means extremely bad luck.

Perhaps it is.  Maybe tonight marked the beginning of something horrid.  Or maybe, just maybe, the fortune cookie machine screwed up and didn't place a little paper slip, when that particular cookie passed through. 

Far fetched theory, just to make myself feel better?  Maybe.  But then again, who really plans their life around cookies?  Well, besides every contestant on the Biggest Loser...

Well, 2012 Sounds Promising...

Well now that 2012 is here, it’s time to plan.  This year, I will be busy with baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, oh, and the end of the world. 

According to many prophecies, the world ends this year.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, this has been predicted before, but sources like Nostradamus and the Mayans really think this is it.

Both agree that December 2012 is the end – so pencil that into your 2012 agenda.

I thought I was a pessimist, but I think I have officially been outdone.

Nostradamus, Debbie Downer, Mary Typhoid, whatever you want to refer to him as, paints a bleak picture of massive destruction and havoc brought about by a comet. Thanks for the warning.  Could you give us a little more detail?  Well, just like all “psychics” he doesn’t. And since he’s dead, it’s not like we can pay $3.99 a minute to find out. According to his predictions, it is not clear whether this comet will strike the earth or will pass very close to our planet, causing massive earthquakes and other cataclysmic occurrences.

Well thank goodness this theory has to do with space and science!  Otherwise, that sounds pretty scary! Luckily, [as stated in a previous post] I find it hard to comprehend space and science; therefore, this theory is also hard for me to grasp, so comet, sch-momet!  

Another famous theory comes from the Mayans. 

The famous Mayan Long Calendar is set to end its final cycle on December 21st, 2012.  Note that this is the “Long Calendar.” My scientific theory is, they ran out of room.  I mean, have you seen that thing?  That thing is jam packed with more activities/events than Martha Stewart’s “When I get out of Jail” list had on it.  It would be impossible to fit one more day in there. But does this spacing issue signal doomsday?

Well, people who actually study the calendar believe: “12/21/12 date signifies a rare alignment of the Milky Way galaxy that only occurs once every twenty five thousand years. Some researchers believe that this rare alignment is something that could cause a shift of the magnetic poles.”  (Insert yawn here)

What I gather from that statement is, basically, if you have a pace maker, you are screwed. 

However, if the world flips, then does that mean Santa will live at the South Pole?  The US postal service has issues getting things across town, so good luck re-directing all that mail. 

In the event that you are able to wrap your head around science, space and all things nerdy, then these predictions probably scare you, but I have good news for you.  There are gazillions of websites out there offering survival tips.  (I swear, Google “the end of the world” and you’d be amazed at what you find.)  Granted the people who write these make Charlie Sheen look sane, (not to mention I'm ashamed that this 2012 search is now affiliated with my computer) here are a few of my favorite survival tips:

Build an Underground Bunker

Good idea in theory, I guess.  But you better read this little disclaimer before you start digging: “The only problem is bunker living isn’t very appropriate for cooking.  Because it would only last for up to 13 days, we can survive off basic camping or outdoor food.  It will be hard to use propane and wood stoves so baking is highly not recommended.”

Yes, that came from an actual website and people out there actually want to know this type of information. How and why do they know the appropriate culinary actions for a bunker?  Perhaps, Vinson Filyaw is a contributing editor to that site.

Speaking of that creepy SC petifile, if you don’t have time to dig, his creepy bunker may be available.  I realize it’s a drive to Lugoff, but based on the pictures I saw on the news it looked somewhat homey in there.

Essential Equipment to Build a Mini Civilization

WTF?  I don’t even want to know where to begin on that apparent “need.” Luckily, my parents still have all of my Barbies, dream houses and cars in the attic, so my mini civilization should be pretty awesome. Sounds like I am set! You are welcome to come over to my bunker and play if you like.   

Books

Hate reading?  Well, sorry.  Hopefully Barnes and Noble is still standing because apparently, you will also need a lot of books in order to survive. Not sure who's lugging these to your bunker, but suggested reads/topics include, but are not limited to:

§          Principles of mathematics

§          Elementary chemistry  

§          Basic electricity

§          Basics of anesthesia, equipment and methods

§          Basics of architecture/building (raw materials to make cement, and so on)

One book/topic missing from that list: Dealing with Schizophrenia (raw materials to assemble a straight jacket and to build a padded cell for yourself.)

Well, Happy New Year. I hope this information will help you get through it, because it sounds like 2012 is going to be a good one…