Time to Catch Up

I have been really slack.  My sincerest apologies.

It’s just that I have been busy gearing up for Valentine’s Day (aka making sure I had enough hair ties to hold my hair back during the vomit-inducing Kay commercials) Oh, and dealing with the death of Whitney Houston.  (RIP Whit!) However, there have been several stories in the news that I should probably address: 

The Marlboro Man Does Exist and He's Pissed!

Ol’ Tommy Jordan, or should I say, Daddy Dearest, chose to share his commentary and remarkable parenting skills with the entire world this week via You Tube.   

Apparently, Tommy came across a profanity-laden post from his daughter on Facebook complaining that she was expected to fetch coffee, make her bed and clean the counters. This came after he spent the entire day installing updates on her laptop (which she wasn’t grateful for either). So, when he logged in to Facebook as the family dog and saw the post that was privacy blocked from family and church, he was naturally displeased at his daughter’s lack of appreciation. So he shot her laptop, and told her she had to pay for the bullets.

Seriously Tommy, it’s not that bad.  I know times have changed from the days where you would spray paint profanities on the local water tower, but today, the kids are using Facebook.

It’s not the rant that I appreciate, it is actually something more.  I would just like to say kudos to the backwoods breed that is the Jordan family.

 I am so proud of you, having internet, fancy computers, oh and a Facebook account for your dog! (I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the dog’s name is probably Dixie.) I’m also a fan of that10 gallon hat.  All I know is, I hope your daughter continues to misbehave because I can’t wait for more of your gun slinging rants from your grassy pasture in North Carolina. 

There Are Going to be More Babies to Put in Corners

 
I'm sure Pampers and Babies R Us are dancing in the streets.  The government is extremely concerned with babies.  No, babies isn't some super important, scientific term for "the economy" it literally means "babies."

The current debate stems from the Obama Care bill which would require contraception to be provided through an employer's health insurance policy.  Well, this outraged groups who do not believe in the use of contraception. Blah, blah, blah. If you don't use it, then what's the problem? You don't have to take every pill that your insurance covers.  In fact, if you did, you would probably end up like Whitney. (RIP Whit!)

Can't they just file this topic under "irreconcilable differences" and call it a day?

For some strange reason, birth control has been an issue for a long time. I don't see how this is even a feasible question to ask in a debate, or why it is even on the agenda.  Asking someone who is running for president their stance on birth control and abortion is ridiculous.  Wasting time in a committee hearing is insane.

Here's my political/economic analysis of the contraception issue (and it comes with a fabulous soundtrack I might add): 

Haven't these people seen Dirty Dancing?  Ban it and people will find another means, and will just end up like Penny.  Then companies will have to put up with a less attractive temp with a huge nose until Penny can return to work. Not only having to pay Penny for her leave, but they also take on the cost of hiring a temp.  Oh, and did I mention how grueling it is going to be to train the temp, only for her to finally get it right conveniently when Penny is ready to return to work?

Do you know why China is becoming an economic powerhouse? Their one-child policy created in the 70's was intended to  to alleviate social, economic, and environmental problems.  And well, it appears to have worked, since we owe them an exorbitant amount of money and their economy is growing faster than little Lily on Modern Family.

So if Congress feels the need to debate diapers all week, then that's fine.  At least link children to the economy like China apparently did. 

Seriously America, get yourself together.

Amazon Attempts Scientific Research - And Fails!

I thought journalists had to take some oath to report the truth.  I also thought that when research was conducted, qualified people (perhaps with an ounce of common sense) were selected to complete the task.  Well, clearly I was wrong.

This week, Amazon.com thought they would release their list of “The Most Romantic Cities in America.”   Here’s what the online marketplace came up with:

1.      Knoxville, TN
2.      Alexandria, VA
3.      Springfield, MO
4.      Orlando, FL
5.      Cincinnati, OH 

Oh, and Columbia, SC made it in the top 10.  (Insert hysterical laughter/disgust/WTF? here) 

This is list is atrocious.  So how did they reach this scientific conclusion about romance?  Well, they based it on sales of romance novels, relationship books, romantic comedy movies, oh, and Barry White albums.  

Now, as I’ve stated before, I’m no scientist, but really? These are the variables you use?

Joan Collins, Dr. Phil and chick flicks scream romance, don’t they?  

Of course they do…for some lady and her cat.  

Amazon, please stick to offering me millions of items that can be conveniently shipped to me sans sales tax, and leave the kitschy research alone. 

Valentine's Day is Right Around the Corner

Valentine's Day is coming up, so if you haven't gotten my gift yet, here are a few things that you should consider (a) taking back if you already bought it; or (b) removing from your list if you consider it a potential purchase - not just for me, for anyone really. 
 

Pro-Flowers
Oh good, you saw the Pro-Flowers commercial where you can get a fabulous arrangement for a mere $39.95 with some free chocolates.  Spare me, and just have an envelope of $39.95 delivered to my office.

Actually, I like this commercial, specifically the testimonials from the "givers" and the "receivers."

For instance, one gentleman, we'll call him John, touts how great the flowers are and the fact he has sent them "51 times." Seriously?  Either he screws up a lot or he thought this would be the best way to beat a restraining order.  No one wants flowers from you John.  Especially now that we know you are a chronic sender.

The girls who receive the flowers are quite entertaining as well.  They talk about how when they received them, "all the men in the office were put to shame."  Actually, they probably weren't.  The women who appear on this commercial are not uber attractive, so quite honestly, they would be excited they got flowers from anywhere - whether it be from Pro Flowers or snatched from the local cemetery.


Anything from the Open Heart Collection

Well, you thought you wouldn't have to see this woman or her stupid commercials any more after Christmas, but you were wrong.  Jane Seymour and her heinous open hearts are back for round two, completely forcing themselves on you during the month of February.

I'd rather receive involuntary open heart surgery from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman herself than to have to pretend to like this gift, much less wear it in public.


It just scares me that she has developed an entire line of jewelry based on a one stroke painting.  I'm sure everyone has seen those commercials of her, in her little craft house, painting that same symbol over and over. Over and over, one continuous stroke, on all these white canvases. It is seriously a little too Jack Nicholson in The Shining for my tastes. All work and no play make Jane a dull girl… I hate she even had a chance to be in that craft house that long.  Now, all of America is stuck with her and her god-awful jewelry.

I've got to give her credit though.  I'm sure she is laughing all the way to the bank seeing as how her collection ranges from $50 - $8,000.  However, I'm sure she's sold all of one of those $8,000 bracelets she created, and that was probably to herself.

Pajama-gram's Hoodie Footie
Move over Victoria's Secret.  Valentine's Day apparently just got hotter.

That's right there is such thing as a "pajama-gram" and they have something called the "hoodie footie" available for purchase. Don't worry, I too, am still in shock that this is even an option to make my list of horrible Valentine's Day ideas.
 
First of all, I am a huge fan of leopard print. However, the only people who should have pajamas that look like a giant animal costume are individuals under the age of three years old.

Seriously, where the hell do you wear this?  Certainly not even in the privacy of your own home.  On average, a person has an 8% chance of their house burning down, which should be taken into account if you are thinking about wearing this to bed.  

Why, you ask?

Because there is a 125% chance that you will be judged to hell in back, should your home be engulfed in flames and the local news airs coverage of you weeping outside your burning home in the middle of the night, dressed as an adult leopard.


In Conclusion
Remember, it really doesn't matter what you give/get for Valentine's Day, just as long as it invokes jealously in others.  But I can promise you that none of these gifts will really invoke anything except vomit and/or tears.